January 27, 2004

Could this whole retro craze really be about the collective sense that the artifacts from bygone periods represent times when there was at least a glimmer of meaning in our popular culture? Has this culture become so simulated, permeable, and therefore disposable, that the majority of people no longer expect the creations of the present day to yield any meaning at all? This nagging sense in the back of our minds causes us to dress everything in the accoutrements of past glories to disguise the fact that there is literally nothing substantial going on. Ladies and Gentleman: The Strokes, American Idol, and Bush’s mission to the moon. Blazing forward into the future by shamelessly aping the successes of the past.

January 25, 2004

As if all those years of Becker weren't enough, CBS has refused to air a commercial during the Super Bowl that tastefully questions the Bush Administration's tax cuts. This one is extra painful. I had to have a Jameson's after I'd read about it.

These are supposed to be public airwaves, and CBS should not have the right to exclude political ads that adhere to the regulations of the FCC. Questioning the fiscal policies of our government in an election year is too controversial? These are the same fuckers who say we are over in Iraq to "liberate" the formerly oppressed so that they can be free like us. So free that a conglomerate can override the channels necessary for an informed democratic process; currying favor with those who are in the exact positions able to enact legislation that will expand the aforementioned conglomerate's power. That conglomerate is CBS, and its parent Viacom.

Please take 30 seconds to view the ad at Moveon.org and you will understand how pathetic this whole scenario is. CBS will air many commercials that either contain or allude to sexual and/or violent content. CBS will air countless ads promoting booze and the glamorous lifestyles that can be attained by drinking it. CBS will air ads that propagandize policies of the Bush administration. The Moveon.org ad simply portrays children engaging in menial labor, while asking the question, "Guess who's going to pay off President Bush's $1 trillion deficit?" Regardless of your political views, I would think you would have to agree that this would be incredibly tame by television standards. For Christ's sake, they'll probably have Steven Tyler jack off a monkey during the halftime show.

Is the real reason this ad is too "controversial", that it might actually make people have to think? God forbid something get in the way of our rabid consumption of mindless crap.

The major news sources are not giving this story the airtime it deserves, not that this should surprise anyone. Seriously, a major corporation is censoring a political opinion that should have a constitutional right to be expressed. These are supposed to be public airwaves. Moveon.org was willing to pay 1.5 million dollars for 30 seconds worth of very valuable time on them. By refusing to let them do so, CBS is restricting the public's access to political views that CBS does not agree with.

CBS is airing other commercials with political content. Why not this one? This should make you very angry. Please sign the e-mail petition and express your disgust to CBS at Moveon.org.

January 22, 2004

Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens

Love, fear, and worship him, just as you would any god.

January 16, 2004

Bush: "Well, we've bled this planet dry."

Cheney: "Let's go to Mars."

Bush: "That's a great idea! We can distract the American people, while funneling even more of their money to our network of contractors and lobbyists. Hot damn, Cheney--I do so love that cold cold ruthless heart of yours!"

Cheney: "Unit 475 does not understand this notion you humans call love."

These glimpses of sanity come courtesy of the BBC:

But few of the world's papers were as cynical this week as Switzerland's Le Temps, which accused Mr. Bush of "using space as a diversion at a time when his Iraq policy is not exactly a shining success".

Or Austria's Der Standard:

"A national mission to a far-away place where glory awaits and no rebel movement lurks will help Americans forget about the continuing problems in Iraq and portray the president as a peaceful visionary."

As for funding public education: leave those children behind people, we're going to Mars!

January 15, 2004

Nicholas Payton and Sonic Trance played some of the best music I have ever heard at The Jazz Bakery on Tuesday. These guys take the ‘Bitches Brew’ template and manage to make it their own. It was like exploring the surface of Mars without leaving the comfort of the womb; and if that doesn’t sound cool, then there’s a great new Ashton Kutcher movie coming out that you’ll just love. Seriously, I must have made the “oh my God this is the best sex I’ve ever had face” a minimum of twenty times during their set. They are playing through Sunday, so please check them out. It could be the best 25 dollars you’ve spent since bribing that Customs agent to put Dr. Jellyfinger back in his pocket.

January 08, 2004

In order to get more Atkins-friendly, 13 Beachwood will not post again until Monday, January 12th. In the interim, we will be kicking the shit out of every dirty fucking carb that we can lay our steel-toed boots on.

Have a great weekend,
Your friends at 13 Beachwood

January 07, 2004

Tyra Banks was so good at walking around and looking pretty that she just had to try her hand at producing television shows. “The Search for America’s Next Top Model” is just about to start its second bile-inducing season, and I highly suggest tuning in at least once. The pain will be far outweighed by the truly priceless gift of your becoming totally comfortable with your physical appearance. Viewing this show for ten minutes will make you realize that most people who are that good looking also have the intellectual capacity of a lobotomized potato chip. There are exceptions to this rule, but trust me when I tell you that they are not on this show.

Dear Shaq--

If Dr. Buss gives you a contract extension, will you start defending the pick and roll? How about showing up to practice? For someone who feels the need to constantly remind the world that the Lakers are his team, you sure don’t display much leadership. How about a little passion for the game? I’ve seen more consistent effort from the French fry cook at the local Burger King. You are very lucky to be making millions of dollars playing basketball. I just wish you would do it more often.

January 06, 2004

Best new shows that I've seen: The Office, Reno 911

Most shameless project combining two buzzwords: ABC’s “Threat Matrix”.

“Uh, yeah, sure, we always saw it as a trilogy”- The Wachowski Brothers before seriously making it up as they went along. ( also see Chris Carter circa the later X-Files debacles.)

During the press blitz for Rocky V: Go For It, Sylvester Stallone actually had the balls to say he had always envisioned Rocky as a five part story. Pretty sure this is true, but for his sake I’m willing to hope it was some sort of fever dream induced by Driven being shown 14 times in a row on TNT’s ‘New Classics’.

TNT is single handedly destroying any future credibility that the word classic might have had. If Seagal’s The Glimmer Man qualifies as a ‘New Classic’, then AFI seriously needs to consider putting Don’t Tell Her It’s Me (starring the acting triumvirate of Jami Gertz, Shelley Long, and Steve Guttenberg) on it’s Top 100 Movies List.

Fantasy NBA can be a serious misnomer, especially if you have my team.

Isiah Thomas pulls a great move by getting Marbury. If Dikembe can keep from spontaneously combusting, the Knicks might have a chance at finishing first in the developmental league known as the Eastern Conference.

Nicole Richie seems like a really classy girl.

You heard it hear first, second, or maybe third: Leandro Barbosa will set the NBA on fire.

If the Packers are truly a team of destiny then I win $300. Favre could get his head chopped off and still somehow manage to play. After saddling him with coach Mike Sherman (nice guy, no clue) for three years, the football Gods know they owe Favre another Super Bowl.